But It's Just One Life
by Tsuki-Moon
Summary: Duo thinks he might be going insane as he considers throwing his life away, but a supernatural experiance might just change his mind. Angst, yoai and SO much more...
1. But It's Just One Life

**Note: _Hi all! Wow… last night I tried to write and almost cried I had such a difficult time- writer's block is just awful, ya' know? But now it's 4:02 in the morning… it's amazing what insomnia does to writers. Here we go again!!! Oh, before I continue I just wanted to apologize to everyone- my last fic sucked. Really, it did (it was "Just You, My Love" in case you didn't know). I got pretty good replies and all, but I agreed that having Duo and Wufei together for a second, and then immmedately having Duo and Heero just didn't work. It did in my head, but it just didn't come out on paper right. Early startings of the short-lived block, I think--- not to mention that I just ran out of steam at the end there. Well, writer's block or no, right now my fluff is just dead. But wait… I haven't done a dark, morbid, angysty, controversial fic in a while, have I? "Gasp" No, in fact, my last one was "Doom's Violation".*Laughs evily* This'll be fun!!! This fan-fic is actually a Prologue- so I'll continue the story if I get good replies here. Now the inspiration for this is "It's a Wonderful Life" (a great old classic- rent it if you haven't seen it), lots of "Sandman" comicsabout Death (ooooh, those are fun too- in a more morbid way), and lack of sleep. Yawn… um, yeah. Oh, I don't own Gundam Wing, and the song lyrics are by Papa Roach. This song fots perfectly into the story, so just read it as if it were part of Duo's thoughts instead of separate. _**

# Eternally and Always, Tsuki

### 

### **_But It's Just One Life- Prologue___**

##### By Tsuki-Moon

_ _

_You'd better put that down…_

## You'd better put that down…

Over and over the words played, as if stuck on in an endless CD track.

I took another swig of my beer, ignoring the endless whispers. Hell, I figured that if I was drunk enough to hear voices, I may as well keep going. If I kept going long enough, maybe I'd be dead. That might be a change… well, no, maybe not. 

_All I need is a bottle, and I don't need no friends, now. _

I was dead every night. Why would I expect real death to be a whole lot different than the hell I was living in now? One look at those cold blue eyes, and I know I'm in hell. After all, hell is a place where you can love all you want, but it touches nothing, and death and pain is a constant. Yeah, this is hell.

## Wallow in my pain- I swallow as I pretend

_To act like I'm happy, when I drink to no end._

I smiled as wide as I could as I turned to the battender. "Another beer, pwease?" I asked. He frowned and nodded.

"You know, if you keep going, I'm going to have to cut you off soon."

"Wha---? How come?"

"You're joking, right?" Well, no, I wasn't. I mean, who was he to care if my way of suicide was drinking myslf to death?

_I'm losing all my friends… I'm losing in the end._

###### Heero…

I felt old floors of the bar creak a bit as a woman walked in and sat down on the stool next to me. It took me a little bit to notice that she was staring straight at _me. I looked over at her and felt like I had obviously had WAY too many drinks. She couldn't __really look like that! First of all, she was gorgeous- slim, but with just the right curves. Her hair was layered and uneven, as if she had chopped at it herself, and had done an okay job, but hadn't taken the time to fix it. Her eyes were so dark they were almost black… in fact, I think they were black. Well, either way, I couldn't tell any difference between her iris and her pupil. __Really thick, black eyeliner rimmed her eyes as well and- along with her black lipstick- hinted that she was "gothic". Hmmm… you know what? That's a really weird word. Fun to say, though. Gothic. Yeah, I like that. Fun word. _

Oh! But her clothes were the part that caused me to start. She was wearing a skin-tight, black body suit and silver chain belt, which was prety much shameless but not unusual, and she had a pairof wings! I shook my head to clear it and did a double take. Yes, on her back were two, rather large wings- just like a dragon, or a devil… or Shingami.

I shook my head. What a stupid thought. But then, the woman- or more, the girl- chuckled and opened her mouth to say something to me.

She said- "Behave, little boy--- you'd better sit back down, 'til you hold your ground. It's you're turn to learn to fight. You'd better sit back down, 'till you hold your ground."

I frowned at the song-like lines. And who was she to call me 'little boy'? She looked younger than I was, and I was not even of legal age to drink! Oh, um… fake ID's are conveniant, huh?

I looked over to where she was sitting and frowned. She was gone…

SSSSS

_When I'm sober life bores me (he bores me…) so I get drunk again._

"Hiya! I'm home!" I called. Heero didn't look up from his computer. I scowled and walked over to the fridge. "You know, weirdest think happened to me…"

"Duo."

"Eh?"

"Shut up. I'm working." I scowled and grabbed another beer from the fridge. Heero's head snapped up immediately. "Duo… have you already drunk at all?"

Ah, I'm good at holding my alchohol. "Nope." I answered with a smile. What a damned lie…

I sat down on my bed, which was only seven feet away from Heero's, but sometimes it felt lke miles. Hell, sometimes when I was standing right next to him, he seemed so far away that I could cry. He tells me that we're friends, but I don't think I believe him. I think I'm an annoyance. He's said as much at times, too. 

## I'm losing all my friends… I'm losing in the end

I swallowed the rest of the bottle and considered going back for another, but my vision was so blurred by now that almost everything was fuzzy, so I just lay down on my bead, and wished to die. The war was over… there was no point to it all…

I heard a chime ring, like a bell, and I looked up. That girl that I had seen at the bar--- she was sitting on my wondowsill. I blinked twice and looked at Heero. Didn't he notice? The girl shook her head and put her one finger to her lips.

She said- "Behave, little, boy--- you'd better sit back down, 'til you hold your ground. It's you're turn to learn to fight. You'd better sit back down, 'till you hold your ground."

_You'd better sit back down…_

I shook my head. I must be crazy. This was not happening. I looked back up, and she was gone again, but the voice still continued.

## You'd better put that down… Put the bottle down… 

"Behave, little, boy--- you'd better sit back down, 'til you hold your ground. It's you're turn to learn to fight. You'd better sit back down, 'till you hold your ground."

I noticed that I _was still holding the beer bottle. I winced and put it down. I rubbed my eyes--- there she was again. Now she was siting on Heero's bed, smiling at me the way a child would. She nodded slowly, then stood up and walked over to me. I felt the air chill as she walked those seven feet. She bent down and kissed me on the cheek. I gasped and closed my eyes- that kiss sent a shiver through my entire body. It was as if the winds themselves had kissed me. I looked up. She was still there. She smiled again- a warm, knowing smile. She shook her head again and whispered in my ear, "__Sleep tight."_

I closed my eyes, and could immediately feel sleep coming…

_I wish things would change, wish they'd rearrange…__ _

_I wish things would change, wish they'd rearrange… _

I thought I head Heero stop typing for a moment, perhaps coming to see why the window was open or something, but then he started typing again. I frowned and curled up on my bed, drifting in and out slowly. Only one thought was in my head when I finally found sleep, though-

I must be crazy…

** **

**To be continued…**

**Note: _So, what did ya' think? "Yawn". I have a whole, complex story planned out, and I'll post- or won't- when I'm done, depending on how this prologue was taken. Oh, and in your review, please tell who YOU think this girl is- I'm curious. Do you think she's just some figment of our poor Duo's imagination? Or is she the devil come to steal Duo's soul? Is she a spirit? Or is she something else? Just guess! Okay, great… Good morning, all!_**

#### **_Love always, Tsuki_**


	2. Default Chapter Title

**Note: _Hi again! Ready for more angsty fun? I sure hope so, cause this one gets weird- dark and _****fun, but weird. No, I don't own Gundam (duh) but I do have the entire series on VHS! Yay!!! "Ahem" Anyway… Have you read the prologue for this yet? If not, you'd better go do that now. This won't make any sense if you don't. Okay… um, you're still here, aren't you? Look, I already told you- if you haven't read the prologue go read that NOW. "Sigh" And you're still reading. Okay, well, if you get confused that's not my problem. Hey, Jen, this one's for you! You too, Kai! I need to write for someone, and you two are my all-time favorite readers. ^-^ Okay, one last thing… this part DOES have shonen-ai and Yoai. My last part didn't (well, unless you really read into it) but this does! Don't like guyXguy pairings then DON'T read this. Okay… ENJOY!**

# Love always, Tsuki

### **_But It's Just One Life- The Journey___**

##### By Tsuki-Moon 

## Behave, little boy, You'd better put that down…

I winced as I opened my eyes, light streaming in, attacking me and forcing me awake. I looked at the clock and groaned. 9:42. Damn… Heero was going to chew my ear off for sleeping this late. I pushed myself out of the warm bed. Well, time to face the music.

"Morning." Heero murmured as I walked in the kitchen.

"Hey." I replied with a yawn. I waited a bit in silence, expecting a snap or a harsh comment.

"Do you want some coffee?" Heero simply asked, his eyes not as cold as they usually were.

"Um, yeah, that'd be cool. Thanks." He nodded and poured the dark liquid into a mug and reached for the milk. "Oh, I'll have it black this morning." I piped up. 

Heero's eyes flashed. "How many drinks did you have last night?" I winced at Heero's cold glare, remembering the reason why I had binged in the first place.

"Oh… I dunno. Eleven, maybe?" 

Heero shook his head. "The last thing you need is a clouded head, Duo, or an early grave. Take better care of yourself."

"Yeah, whatever." Heero's eyes flashed again and he shook his head. He didn't say another word as he walked out of the kitchen to sit down at his computer. I sighed. The war was over and _still Heero was glued to that screen! I let out a ragged sigh and rubbed my head wearily. My head pounded and a song-like phrase repeated over and over, ad nausium…_

## Behave, little boy, You'd better put that down, 'till you hold your ground…

SSSSS

"I'm going out." Heero muttered. "Are you going to be okay, here?" 

"I'm not a damned baby." I laughed. "Go on out! Jeeze, you're so irritating." 

Heero nodded. "Say, if you are going to be here…"

"Eh?" I looked up curiously.

"Think you could clean up your side of the apartment? It's a mess."

"Well, sure, Hee-chan!" I laughed aloud, flashing him one of the biggest smiles I could. Heero smirked back and left me alone in the cold apartment. As soon as he was gone, I felt the tears well up in my eyes. _Heero…_

#### Heero was the reason that I had been depressed that night. Well, he was _mostly the reason. I don't really need a reason to be depressed… but one does make it easier to feel sorry for myself. In this case, it was a question of love. But as much as I tried to make the feelings go away, I couldn't keep my heart from aching every time I saw Heero. But I knew what he would say if I told him. He'd call me a baka and punch me, probably. That's always how it is with Heero._

I pushed myself out of bed and walked into the bathroom. I turned on the light, noticing a few cockroaches scurrying for cover from the dreaded brightness. I cursed and splashed my face with cold water, trying to stop my head from spinning again. Fuck… I hate hangovers.

I tramped back into the bedroom and stopped abruptly. Sitting on Heero's bed was the same woman whom I had seen at the bar last night. She tossed her short, brown hair to the side and stared over at me with lustrous, deep black eyes. "_Hello." She whispered. _

"Awe shit…" I muttered. "I thought that you were just a hallucination and that I was done with you."

"_Nope." She smiled at me sweetly- like Hilde often did- and shrugged her small shoulders. _

"Well, who the hell are you then?" I sneered.

"_Who do you think I am, boy?" _

I hesitated. The easiest thing to say would have been that she was a nutcase, but I didn't really believe that. There was definitely something supernatural about this girl. Not to mention that she still had two distinct black wings protruding from her back. She giggled, as if hearing my thoughts, and drew her wings around her shoulders like a cape. 

"_Come now… you know__ who I am. Who else would answer your silent prayers than the one who you pray to even more than you would ever pray to God?" I gasped and stepped back._

"Sh- Shingami?" She clapped her hands and smiled in knowing. "But… you can't be!"

"_Why? Isn't this the image that you had of the God of Death?"_

"Well… sort of. Except for some minor changes…" I looked at her chest briefly, then at her waist… then below.

"_You expected a male."_

I shrugged. "I never expected anything. I was never sure whether I believed in Shingami or God, or any of it."

"_If you didn't believe, then I wouldn't be here." _

I frowned. "Why are you here, eh? I never asked you to come. That is, unless you're here to take my life like I've been trying to do."

"_You don't want to die. If you really did, you would already have shot yourself or something else to that measure. You wouldn't be courting a bottle. No, not you dear child."_

"Okay," I snapped, "that's the second time you've called me a child and I hate it. Stop it!" Shingami shrugged with a girlish smile. 

"_Sorry."_

I paused and tried to clear my head. This was all happening far too fast! I should have been screaming or railing or convinced that I was crazy (which I probably was) yet this just felt so real and so true. I looked at the figure again, this time with a strange question on the tip of my tongue. "Can everyone see you?"

"_When I'm in this shape, yes."_

"Then why am I then only one who notices how strange those wings are?"

She laughed. "_You're the only one who can see the wings, dear ch… um, Duo." She blushed and shook her head.__ "To everyone else I'm just another teenager who slipped through he cracks- as lost as any of them are."_

"I see…" 

"_Also, Duo, you must know that Death has no shape. I picked this form so it would be easier on your mind, all around."_

#### "I figured as much." I shook my head again, wondering if this really was a hallucination and that she would disappear soon. She didn't. "So, why are you here anyway, huh?"

"_I already said. I am here to ask you what you really want. You don't want to be dead, as you've already admitted. What do you want, Duo?"_

I shuttered with a small sob. "I want to disappear."

"_Why?" Her face didn't change; there was no sign of emotion. "__With all you have, why would you want that?"_

"With all I have!" I snapped. "What do I have, huh? A cockroach and ant infested apartment and a roommate who hates me! Oh, yeah, that makes life worth living." 

"_Not here, Duo. Look at what you have overall. What about your friends?"_

"My friends?" I chuckled darkly. "I don't talk to anyone anymore except Quatre. Hilde I see a lot, but ever since we sold the scrap-yard, things just aren't the same with her either. She wants to really get into politics and stuff, you know? Anyway…"

"_What about Quatre, Duo? You said that you talk to him."_

"Well, yeah, but…" I paused. "Oh God, I'm having a conversation with a figment of my goddamned imagination." I stood up and stormed out of the room. I walked over to the fridge and hunted through it. "Fuck… where…"

"_Heero threw away all of the alcohol last night when you were asleep."_

"Bastard!" I slammed the door shut and ran past the girl into the bedroom again. I slid under my cot-like bed and found the bottle of scotch that I had been searching for. I took a large gulp, the liquor burning my throat something horrid. I slammed the bottle down, then, with a sob. My head ached, my throat hurt and I felt that need again. I felt like I wanted to die. No, Shingami and I had already decided that wasn't the case. "I wish I had never been born." I decided with a whisper.

"_What?" I looked up to see Shingami staring at me with her clear, black eyes. "__What did you say, Duo?"_

"I said I wish I had never been born. It would have been a whole lot easier. It's not like I did anything great. It was Heero and Quatre that saved the earth and shit. I just got in the way. There's no point to my life at all…"

"_Well, then," Shingami smiled__. "Perhaps you would give me the liberty to show you how wrong you are."_

"Eh?" I looked up at her again, clutching my head and trying and make the room stop spinning. The skotch had gone to my head faster than I had expected it to. 

"_Take my hand, Duo."_

"What? Why?"

"_I'm going to grant your wish."_

"What? You're going to kill me?"

"_No… you're going to never have been born." The sincerity in her voice scared me. I felt a chill come over the entire room, as if radiating from her large, black wings. I took a deep breath and shuttered. It was as if nothing existed for awhile. Not Heero, not the damned apartment, not the long gone war… nothing existed at all. Finally, after a long moment of silence, I took her hand._

SSSSS

Light was all around and it was really nice. I felt pretty good, you know? I stretched my arms out, trying to catch the slight breeze that was in the air, when a hundred or so monarch butterflies flew up to me. They fluttered about, landing on my arms and dancing in my hair, laughing and singing a bit. I smiled, and a butterfly landed on my bottom lip, as if kissing me. I chuckled and the butterfly flew away. They all did, and I was left in darkness. Serves me right for opening my big mouth. You would have thought that I'd have learned. 

SSSSS

"Do you recognize this place, Duo?" Shingami asked me. She was dressed in jeans and a snug, black tee shirt now, with an Egyptian symbol hanging on a chain around her neck. The wings were gone and she looked pretty normal. Well, except for the whole black lipstick thing. 

"Um…" I looked around. We were at an army base. Smoke flooded out of buildings as water lapped up onto the steel walls. "Yeah, this is where I first met Heero. He was about to blow up his Gundam, but then Relena came up and tried to stop him, then he pulled a gun on her, so I shot him twice and…"

"I know, Duo. You don't have to tell me." I noticed that her voice didn't sound quite as supernatural now. In fact, it sounded kind of sweet. She smiled at me. "Right now, no one can see us or hear us. You can't change the events that I'm going to show you. Yes, this is where you met Heero, and this is just a few minutes before the event that you just described. Only with one change, Duo… _you were never born."_

I nodded. I saw where this was going. "Okay, so what happened?" Shingami just shrugged and pointed to a platform that was rising up from one of the landings. Heero stood on it, clad in his usual, old wardrobe of green tank top and black bike shorts. He looked as serious as ever. He stared right through me, out at the horizon. He clicked a few keys on a torpedo command pad, his expression never changing.

"Heero!" Walking gracefully up the landing ramp was a young, blond girl. Her hair was fastened back royally and she wore an elegant blue dress. She looked like the rich little idealist that she was. She also looked like a complete brat, but I won't comment on that one. Ahem… "No, Heero, don't do it." She continued, walking excruciatingly slowly toward him. "Heero, what do you think you are doing?" Heero didn't respond. "Those are torpedoes, aren't they? I can tell! I want to know who you are!" her voice strained a bit, almost hitting a whining tone. I winced. 

Heero's face showed just a glimmer of emotion as he turned to look at her. "Relena…" he stood there for a moment, studying her. Then his eyes narrowed and he pulled out a handgun, leveling it to her head. "You're in way over your head. Say goodbye, Relena." Relena gasped and didn't even have time to cry out as he pulled the trigger. Blood splattered all over the back of the steel wall. I screamed. Heero turned back to the control pad and clicked a few more keys. The he paused, noticing a band of Alliance soldiers on the cove's end. They were dragging a large mobile suit out of the water. "Damn it!" he cursed. He dashed away from the platform, running in the cove's direction. It wasn't long before I lost sight of him.

"Heero destroyed the band that found his Gundam and the Gundam called 'Wing' was his once more. However, Relena Dorlain was dead, and she never became the Peacecraft that you knew her as."

"Yeah…" My eyes grew a bit fuzzy and I shook my head. "But the Gundams are still around. The war can still end and peace restored. Right?" I looked at Shingami hopefully. 

"In a way." She whispered. I frowned as I looked at her down cast head. She looked so fragile and small. She didn't seem like an all-powerful Goddess of Death. "But the number of Gundams dwindled shamefully. The rebellion all but died. You weren't there for Professor G to pick. History is changed by that, Duo."

"What! No! Professor G could have picked anyone to be a Gundam pilot! I wasn't the only one. That is such bullshit!"

Shingami looked sad again. "No… he picked someone else. But it wasn't you, so history is changed." She lifted her hand in the air and a butterfly landed on it. The light came again and I was happy.

SSSSS

We stood in a large ballroom. Shingami and I leaned against a wall, staring at the guests. Treize Kushrenada stood in the center of a colossal social group, talking about politics non-stop. "Why are we here?" I whispered.

"Look over to your left." I did and immediately saw who she was referring to- a tall boy about my age, with sharp, green eyes and brown hair that partially covered his cold glare. Trowa. "When you were a pilot, Trowa became a double-agent in the middle of the war. The only reason he did not take such drastic measures sooner was because someone else kept his heart in tow."

I nodded. It was no secret that Trowa and Quatre were sweethearts. "So?"

"This is barely a month after that scene which we just saw, Duo. Here, Trowa has sped up his plans dramatically."

"Why?" Shingami paused and shook her head.

"Go ask him yourself." I blinked, and Shingami suddenly stood in a rich looking evening gown and shawl. "You can be seen as well, Duo." I looked down and, sure enough, I was dressed in a fine, gray suit. "However, I must warn you that your braid is gone and your eyes are yellow-green. I wanted this to be easy on you. Your fellow pilots will not recognize you here. This, at least, gives your mind an excuse to deal with."

"I can tell that you have a lot of faith in my mind." I joked. She smiled and slipped away into the crowd. I walked calmly the opposite way, finally standing next to Trowa's tall frame. I was silent for a bit. 

"Who are you?" Trowa finally whispered. I smirked.

"Someone who's interested in Gundams." Trowa started at my monotone statement. Ah, it's great the little tricks I picked up from Heero. Trowa put back up his emotionless mask quickly.

"What do you want?"

"Nothing. I just want to know what's going on with all of you."

"I wouldn't know. The three of us are trying to break through OZ's main…"

"Three?!" I looked up, shocked. "I… I thought there were supposed to be five!"

Trowa winced. "There were, but one was never fit to be a Gundam pilot. He killed two of the others. Myself and him and one other is all that is left."

"Is Quatre all right?" I asked. Surely Trowa would grant me that peace of mind. I knew how much he cared for Quatre. 

Trowa looked at me coolly. "Who's Quatre? Should I know him?"

Oh, dear God… I had to use all my willpower to keep from crying. "H-he's small, blond hair, with blue eyes. H-he's Arabian. He…"

"Oh, him." Trowa shook his head. "He was one of the ones who were killed. That fucking pilot. I wish I could rip that scythe out of his…"

"Scythe?!" I gulped. "S-so the murdering pilot was the one who runs the Gundam Deathscythe- the Shingami Mobile Suit?!"

"Yes." Once again, Trowa's tone was cold. 

"W-well… what about the other pilot? Who else died?" 

Trowa shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know anything about the other Gundams. It doesn't matter, anyhow." Trowa walked away from me, then paused. "If you will excuse me, I have a mission to finish." I nodded slowly, watching as he disappeared into the crowd again.

"I'm going to make you invisible again, Duo." Shingami sighed. "I can't have you screaming here."

"Why would I scream, Shingami?" I asked. "What is going to happen?" She didn't answer. She simply laid her hand on my shoulder, running her fingers along my braid, which was now back. 

I could see Trowa again, now. His eyes were narrowed into cold slits, all of their energy focused on Treize Kushrenada. I saw a glint of metal in his hand, and he sprung. The clamp-weapon lashed out; a wire attached to it, wrapping around the OZ leader's neck as Trowa did a triple somersault over the guests. Treize didn't make any sound as he died… well, except for an all but silent gasping. Trowa landed easily, and _fell to the ground. Blood seeped from his chest in puddles. I gasped, seeing Zechs Marquise standing over him, a gun and silencer smoking menacingly. "Stupid, even in the end." He whispered, tossing the weapon to the side. I collapsed to my knees, sobbing harshly. No, this could not be right. This __couldn't be! _

I felt Shingami's hand on my shoulder. "Come on, Duo. There is much more to see." 

"What? What else is there? What could be worse than this, eh?"

Shingami's eyes glazed, as if she were going to cry. She didn't, though. I doubt that the Goddess of Death has any tears to shed for anyone. "Do you want to know why Quatre is dead? Do you want to see what happens to Wufei? And Hilde?" She paused. "What about Heero? After all, you said you wanted to disappear _because of him." Tears spilled from my eyes and I nodded._

"Fine… show me what else there is. I need to know." Shingami held out her hand again and pulled my to me feet. This time, she just held me in her arms, rocking me like a small child, as the butterflies came. This time, I didn't even notice they were there. All I could think about was Heero's cold eyes and Trowa's cold words.

"Who's Quatre? Should I know him?" 

###### To be continued…


	3. But It's Just One Life: The Road's End

**Note: _Hello again! Okay, all my previous parts to this fic stated all the legal mumbo-jumbo, and if you haven't read those than this won't make sense to you anyway. Throughout this fic, instead of page breaks, I'll be interrupting each scene with quotes from the Sandman series (I mentioned these comics in my prologue) by Neil Gaiman. I just bought another one called "Death: Time of Your Life" and it is SO good. If you like stories with strong support of gay couples and you don't mind angst or dark topics, this is a FANTASTIC graphic-novel. I highly recommend it. It's not yoai or slash, however. If you feel like you need to call it by a Japanese word, it'd be yuri. The one before it is called Death: The High Cost of Living, and that's cool too. In fact, I think I like that one better. Anyway… this part of my tale is darker than the first two and deals with more death, abuse, rape, and just bizarre dream-like sequences. Don't like? Don't read. And there's yoai (duh). Jen, thanks for the hug and the kind words. I'll try not to torture Duo-chan TOO much in this one. Once again, this is for you. Kai, I wish you luck with school and I hope everything is going well. And thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for the 3X4 fic. "Sniffle" I loved it! Your kind words always brighten up my day, and I always look forward to hearing from you again. This fic is also yours._**

# Forever and Always, Tsuki-Moon

### **_But It's Just One Life- The Road's End___**

##### By Tsuki-Moon 

"Also… there's no one I know who's evil. I mean, in books and movies you get the bad guy, and you know immediately who the bad guy is because, well, he's bad. And you've got the good guy and it doesn't matter what he goes through, he knows who the bad guy is. And I don't even have a faithful sidekick."

-Death: The High Cost of Living

"Where are we?" I asked, looking across a devastated battlefield. 

"It doesn't really matter." She nodded over to a cloud of dust on the horizon. "This is what I brought you to see." I looked out, straining to view whatever was ahead. Two figures ran out of the dust, one sprinting quickly, the other stumbling as fast as he could. 

"We lost them." The limping figure gasped, his head hung as he gasped for breath. I immediately recognized the voice. _Quatre!_

"Don't be so sure. OZ isn't exactly known for giving up easily."

"Flo, they don't even know that we're Gundam pilots. They wouldn't follow us."

The other figure scowled, his fire red hair blowing in the wind. I could tell that this was my "replacement" and I think I hated him already. His eyes were narrowed into menacing slits, and his arms were folded against his skin tight, gray tank top. His shoes were cowboy boots and a pair of tight, black jeans hugged his legs, showing off every sensuous muscle. Okay, I'll admit it- he was _hot! Quatre seemed to think so too, considering that his eyes were constantly on the boy's smooth face. _

"What are you staring at?" Flo stated suddenly.

"Oh! N-nothing." Quatre looked away quickly, obviously embarrassed. The boy shook his head with a smirk and grabbed Quatre's arm forcefully. Before the small, Arabian boy could even gasp, the red-haired boy's lips were on his. I watched in shock as the boy's tongue forced Quatre's lips apart with ease, teasing him with his teeth and smiling the entire time. Quatre pulled back, after a fashion, and blushed. I clenched my fists and knew that this had been Quatre's first kiss. _And it wasn't with Trowa! "Flo… I…" _

The boy shook his head. "Quatre, you know damn well that you're just as fascinated by me as I am you." Quatre flushed even deeper. "Come on, let's get the fuck out of here." Flo walked away, leaving Quatre shuffling behind him a bit slower. I noticed with a start that Quatre's side was bleeding rather heavily and his right leg was cut in several places. In fact, by the way Quatre was limping, I wouldn't have been surprised if it was broken. It looked like they had gotten caught in a rather severe battle.

"Come on," Shingami whispered, "Let's jump forward to a half a month later than this." I nodded and watched as Quatre and Flo disappeared from site, and butterflies filled the air. I noticed, with just a slight sting of jealousy, that their wings were the same color as Flo's hair. As soon as the thought filled my mind, I was shoved down into another dark scene. A hotel.

_"Hotel rooms are lonely. All the craziness that you avoid in the day-to-day business of life come to you in hotel rooms and eat your mind. The people they find dead in hotel rooms wouldn't have killed themselves at home. Hotel rooms don't care if you live or die."_

-_Death: Time of Your Life_

Quatre sat on the queen sized hotel mattress, sobbing furiously. His knees were pulled up to his chest, one slightly higher than the other was. From the look of his pants, it seemed as if he had been crying for awhile."Allah…" he sniffled, "I just want it all to go away. Please… just make it go away!" Quatre sobbed louder now, something orange in his right hand. He pulled it out now and looked at it. It was a pill bottle. He stared at it for awhile, as if it were something foreign and new instead of a familiar prescription. He sighed and poured the bottle's contents out on the bed. I counted the eighteen pills quickly, but Quatre laid them each out in a row, adding them up slowly and carefully. 

"What are those?" I asked Shingami, even though I already knew. I sure as hell didn't want to believe it, though.

"Sleeping pills."

"No!" I pounded my fist into the hotel wall, but no sound was made. I was just a spectator; I couldn't change anything about the scene in front of me. I couldn't even fuck up the horridly ugly wallpaper. After catching my breath and trying not to cry, I turned back to the spectacle in front of me. "Why is he doing this?"

"Why did you set out to destroy yourself, Duo?"

"For love." I answered without hesitation.

"Well…" Shingami stopped mid-sentence as the door burst open and Flo- a red haired, narrow eyed, angry looking Flo- stormed in. 

"Where have you been! I've been waiting for you for two hours!"

"Flo, you know I can't practice ground moves right now. I worked so hard on them yesterday and my leg really hurts. I-" Quatre was silenced by a punch to the face. I yelped and sprinted forward. I wanted so badly to kill that bastard. He didn't deserve Deathscythe and he certainly didn't deserve Quatre. Shingami stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. 

"You can't do anything, Duo." She reminded me. I winced, tears streaming down my face as the scene continued to unfold. 

"That stupid leg again! Shit, ever since that battle you've been complaining non-stop about your fucking leg! You're such a stuck-up brat! You never should have been a Gundam pilot! Not a stupid pussy like you." Another punch followed. I saw tears spring to Quatre's eyes, but he swallowed them down. "Look at me when I'm talking to you, damn it!" Flo yanked Quatre toward him, the pills near Quatre's lap spilling onto the floor with a clatter. Flo looked down, a look of shock on his face. I could tell that he immediately recognized what they were. "Quatre…" His eyes narrowed again and he belted another hard punch into his cheek. Quatre let out a hoarse cry as a third punch rammed into his stomach. "Your life isn't fucking yours to take, brat!" Flo pulled a switchblade out of his pocket and glared at the small, Arabian boy menacingly. The fear in Quatre's eyes only lasted a second, followed by an even more horrifying look of recognition. He knew what was coming next. I gasped as Flo forced Quatre onto the cheap bed, the springs creaking in sorrow in time with Quatre. Flo slit the blade through Quatre's shirt and tore the rest of his clothes off too. Quatre didn't say anything, but his eyes were full of pain and anguish. I turned away and buried my face in Shingami's shirt. I couldn't watch. Listening was dreadful in itself. Quatre's whimpers for Flo to stop were frightful and awful to hear. Finally, Quatre's wails halted as Flo slid off of the bed. I turned back reluctantly. "Brat…" he sneered again, storming into the adjoining bathroom. The door slammed behind him. 

Quatre sat up again, tears streaming down his cheeks. He felt all along the floor, blindly and hastily. He found five of the pills, but, after a few minutes of searching, couldn't come up with any more. Eyes full of tears, he threw the small spheres at the ugly wall with a harsh screech, just like a small child. Then he curled up on the bed, once again, and sobbed. I was shaking like a leaf by now, and clutching to Shingami for all my life--- and everyone else's. Oh, Quatre…

_Light._

_"'But look, um, WHY do we hurt? Why do we DIE? Why isn't life GOOD all the time? Why isn't it FAIR?'_

_'Those aren't__ stupid questions, Hazel. For some they're the only questions that matter… but they could just as well be "when is purple?" or "why does Thursday?" if you see what I mean.'"_

-_Death: Time of Your Life_

"It's over. At least, that part is." Shingami soothed me a bit, her small fingers slipping through my bangs and hair, lacing and unlacing different parts of my braid. I looked up and gazed around.

"We're in space?" I asked. Shingami nodded. 

"I'm sorry that the last image caused you such distress. I wish I had happier occurrences for you."

I shrugged. "Y-yeah, that last one was a bit intense. B-but…" I shuttered and shook my head, unable to speak. 

Shingami smiled warmly. "I have only two more scenes to show you, my friend." I nodded slowly. I was glad that she didn't call me 'boy' or 'child' either. "Over there."

I followed her gaze reluctantly. A ways away, a mobile-suit battle was being viciously fought. In the center of about twenty OZ-style suits, there was the Gundam Shenlong. "Wufei!" I watched as Shenlong's long, metallic arm wrenched around and destroyed ten of the MS with its huge flame-thrower. Then, in one long swipe, the claw on the end of its hand slit through five more. I smiled. I know I shouldn't have been excited about this violence, but come on, it was cool to see! I cheered silently, a smile blazing on my face. Finally, the battle was over and Shenlong hovered in the rubble and demolished parts. 

"Weak…" Wufei whispered. "There's no point to defeating such feeble opponents."

"Damn you!" A voice cried from one of the mobile-suits. I gasped as I recognized the voice. "You stupid rebel! This is all a game for you, isn't it!"

"No." Wufei smirked to himself, his eyes glaring at the mobile suit that had sounded. "This is my existence." Wufei pointed his fireblaster at the MS. 

"No!" I screamed. Shingami yanked on my braid, once again pulling me back. The pilot let out a small whimper as she crouched against her seat, waiting for Wufei to pull the trigger on his flame-thrower.

"Tell me, pilot," Wufei finally sneered after a few moments of silence, "are you afraid to die?"

"No." she sniffled. "I- I just…" she shook her head. "I don't know. Maybe I am."

Wufei snorted. "Typical. Weak woman…" He hit a button on his Gundam that shot out a silver cylinder into his hand. "I am going to back up a few marks. After I finish what I am here to do, I want you to tell everyone what happened."

The girl looked up. "W-what? Why?"

"Because I am the last Gundam left." Wufei sneered. "And because Treize Kushrenada is dead, so there is no one left with true honor. Because there is no reason to fight. Because there is no reason to live." I saw the smallest trickle of a tear spill down the Chinese boy's thin cheek. "And because I am not afraid." Wufei turned on his rocket boosters and slipped away, so that he was more then fifteen marks away from the girl's wrecked mobile suit. "Before anything else, please, tell me your name."

"Hilde." The girl breathed, "My name is Hilde." 

Wufei nodded and closed his eyes. He pressed the button on the end of the cylinder and -for a moment- time seemed to stop.

The blast was large enough that it slammed Hilde's MS back a few feet. Hilde whimpered a bit, and at first I thought it was because of the whiplash. No, that wasn't it… she was crying for Wufei. I shook my head. "Hilde, you have such a big heart. It doesn't matter which Gundam pilot you meet, does it? You care too much for those who are not understood." 

I didn't cry for Wufei. Instead, I respected him just the same as I did when he fought against us in our battle against Marymara. Wufei had the type of personality that you could either hate or respect. I respected him greatly. I always have.

Shingami and I watched as the OZ backup team came and pried a sobbing Hilde out from the suit. She spilled out what had happened quickly and with more tears than before. "Well," one soldier said, "it looks like it's all over, then. No more Gundams."

"Yes." Hilde sighed, "It's all over… and I think that _we were the ones that lost." The soldiers looked at her with confused expressions as she slipped into the ship without another word._

I blew Hilde a kiss and took Shingami's hand. "Are you sure that you're ready for this?" she asked quietly. "This is the last thing I have to show you, and it's also the one that will effect you the most, Duo."

"I don't care." I laughed sharply. "I just need to finish this." She nodded.

No butterflies came this time… butterflies can't breath in space. That's funny.

_"'I must confess I always wondered what lies beyond life, my dear.'_

_'Yeah, everybody__ wonders. And sooner or later everybody gets to find out.'"_

-_Sandman: The Doll's House_

"Flo, I don't think we can destroy them! They are too many!"

"Shut up and fight, Quat!" Deathscythe whirled around and sliced to suits in half. 

"Flo! I need help over here!" Quatre's voice sounded panicky as he dodged and slashed at the MS-Aries that surrounded him. Sure enough, there were more suits surrounding Quatre than Flo. 

"Hold on." Flo hacked at the MS around him, although he could have easily shot up in the air to go help Quatre. 

More destruction followed, but it seemed as if the Aries were unlimited. Deathscythe and Sandrock slashed and blasted at the mobile suits, but I could tell that they were both getting tired. Finally, the Aries surrounding Flo began to retreat. "Oh no you don't!" Flo sneered. "You don't pick a fight with me and just walk away!" Deathscythe shot quickly after the Aries group.

"Flo! Wait! Don't leave me here!" The number surrounding Quatre was incredible. There was no way a single Gundam could hold them all off. Especially not if it were the Gundam Sandrock. Suddenly, it looked as if a star was falling and another mobile suit landed swiftly in front of Sandrock. The deep shades of red, blue, and gold shimmered as my breath caught in my throat. It was Gundam Wing… _Heero!_

Heero raised his blaster and shot away three of the Aries. He turned to the left and did the same for three more. "I'm an ally." He stated sharply at Quatre.

Quatre nodded and slashed at the Aries some more. Soon, the MS were all gone, leaving the two Gundams standing alone in the battle field. Wing's eye-lights shut off as the center door opened. Heero jumped out of it and landed on the ground. He looked up at Sandrock with a sharp nod. Sandrock's eyes turned dark as well as Quatre slipped down, out of the middle and down the leg of his Gundam. "H-hi." Quatre smiled warmly. "I'm Quatre Raberba Winner."

"Heero. Heero Yuy." Heero offered his hand to shake, but as soon as Quatre removed his hand from his Gundam's leg, he started to fall over. Heero gasped and caught Quatre swiftly. 

"Th-thank you." Quatre blushed and tried to stand up again, but he couldn't. 

"What happened? There's no way you could have gotten all of these wounds from one mobile suit battle."

"N-nothing. I've just been fighting a _lot lately. Guess I just overworked myself."_

Heero's eyes flashed and seemed to believe Quatre just about as much as I did. "I heard a report that there were two Gundam's here. Where's the second?"

Quatre flushed. "He took off after some retreating Aries. He should be back soon."

"He left you here in your condition?" Heero's eyes flashed murderously, even though his face stayed the same cold mask. 

"I-it's no big deal. I mean, a Gundam pilot can't be weak, right? I've been too weak lately." Quatre tried to stand up again, but let out a sharp cry as soon as he put pressure on his right leg. 

"Have you been in any hand-to-hand battles lately?" Heero asked, sounding more conversational than usual.

"No." Quatre winced as Heero helped him hobble over to a nearby rock to sit down. "Just MS-battles."

"Then how did you get the fist marks?" Heero's eyes narrowed and Quatre winced.

"Oh, these? They're no big deal, I…"

Heero sat down next to the blond pilot and put his hand on his shoulder. "If he's hurting you," Heero whispered, "then he doesn't deserve you anyway." Both Quatre and myself were shocked at Heero's remark. Heero's cold demeanor never seemed to leave room for sympathy, but here he was, comforting Quatre! I watched as Quatre's thankful grin was met with an equally warm smile from Heero. Wow… Heero smiling. It was a treat to see, even if he wasn't smiling at me. That last thought caused my gut to pang. No, Heero _wasn't smiling at me. I had __never seen Heero smile! The thought caused a new wave of depression to fall over me. Heero would never love me..._

"Watch," Shingami reminded me. I nodded and looked on as a shivering Quatre started to cry months and lifetimes worth of tears as Heero held him in a soft embrace. I sighed. That was one of the sweetest things I have ever seen, and I will continue to treasure it. That look of pure compassion on Heero's part is too kind and rare to not treasure. Beautiful.

"What the fuck is going on here!" Flo sneered. Heero and Quatre looked up in shock, Quatre trying hopelessly to dry off his tears. Heero's eyes narrowed, staring down the taller, red-haired pilot. "Answer me, damn it!"

"I'm Heero Yuy." Heero stood up and offered his hand respectfully yet coolly. "I'm an alley. I pilot Gundam 01…"

"Fuck you're an ally! That's why you're cuddling with Winner?!"

Heero's eyes flashed dangerously again. "I have no interest in your boyfriend. However, I think your violence is pretty uncivil. I wouldn't suggest…"

Heero was silenced by a punch in the gut. He barely even winced, though, and retaliated with a kick to Flo's groin. I head Quatre gasp loudly from behind me. 

Heero punched and kicked with the full force that I recognized all too well… but, as always, it was simply force. Flo, on the other hand, darted in different directions and continued to punch Heero anywhere he found vulnerability. Heero, though, always seemed to be able to collapse any type of block that Flo put up to protect himself, so they were pretty much even. Back and forth… back and forth… it never really seemed to end. Quatre pressed himself against a nearby tree and watched, wide eyed. Heero finally slugged Flo exceptionally hard in the face, leaving Flo on the ground, bleeding severely from his mouth and nose. Heero scowled and turned away.

"Next time, don't pick a fight with me." He stated in his usual, cold manner. Flo glowered at Heero and pulled something from his right pocket.

"Heero!" Quatre bolted forward, in front of the Perfect Soldier. 

BANG

Quatre fell to the ground, clutching his side, which was bleeding severely. Flo stood up and narrowed his eyes. "Stupid brat…" Flo leveled the gun a second time, this time in front of Quatre's forehead, and pulled the trigger.

BANG

"Quatre!" I covered my mouth, weeping uncontrollably for awhile. I looked up at Heero and saw a look of pure shock on his face. That expression soon dissolved back into coldness as Flo turned toward him.

"You're stupid too, fucker." Flo sneered. Heero reached for his gun immediately, but never had a chance. 

BANG

Flo's bullet went straight through his head, killing him instantly. I screamed and collapsed to my knees in a fit of sobs. I felt myself shaking as well. No! Heero couldn't die! He couldn't! How many times had I thought him dead and he had pulled through it! I looked up again and wailed. Heero's blood was spilling into the dark soil faster than I could even calculate. Flo walked up to Heero and spat on him harshly. "Bastard." He sneered, and walked away. 

"Flo died four days after Trowa did." Shingami stated softly. "Zechs Marquise performed a full-blown take over of OZ and his first order of business was to finish off all rebels. Flo was easy to find since he had a tendency to blow things up unnecessarily."

I nodded, but couldn't talk. Hell, I couldn't see or breath very well either. _Heero! I began to sob again and I stood up sluggishly. Shingami was silent as I stumbled over to Heero's lifeless body and lay down next to it. "Aishiteu, Heero." I sniffled, and hugged him tightly. Sometime, while I lay there crying, a small group of butterflies came up and landed around us. They were blue… like Heero's eyes._

_"' But I don't think I love you anymore… and WHAT are you laughing at?'_

_'Well, YOU always thought I__ was the stupid one. And I__ always thought I was the stupid one too. And then you say something like that.___

_You followed me into Death because I needed you… What do you think love IS?'"_

-_Death: Time of Your Life_

The cool water splashed against my face, some of it spilling into my mouth. I coughed and tried to sit up. I couldn't, though. The room was spinning too much. I opened my eyes and saw bright blue.

"Baka." A cold voice belabored. "How many drinks are you going to have before you kill yourself, Hn?" I shook my head dumbly, taking in the entire scene. I was in my -_our- apartment. Heero was sitting on my bed. Heero…_

I threw my arms around him without thinking and began to sob. Heero stiffened considerably, but didn't push me away. Thank God for that. Heero put a callused hand on my shoulder. "What's wrong, Duo? What is it?" 

I shook my head again. "Oh God, I just had the worst nightmare of all damn nightmares." I pulled back and let out a ragged sigh.

"Oh? What happened?" Heero seemed to be trying not to sound as monotone as he usually did.

"Well… a lot. Wufei killed himself, Quatre was killed by this other Gundam pilot who was in Shingami but wasn't me and was really cute, but an asshole and…"

"Slow down."

"Eh? Oh, right…" I sighed and continued. "And I talked to Trowa, b-but he didn't even know who Quatre was. Awe man, _that was freaky. I still can't shake that one. The dream was just so real!" _

Heero stood up and walked over to his laptop. My face fell. Was Heero just going to shut me out and leave me alone _again? I had an urge to find a bottle and pick-up where I left off, but Heero surprised me as he gestured for me to come on over. He clicked several keys that I recognized as a phone-number. The screen shimmered with each ring until, finally, a voice answered with a yawn. "Hello?" _

"Hello Quatre." Heero stated flatly. The screen suddenly flashed with bright colors as Quatre activated his screen. He was dressed almost in nothing; a pair of really short knit-shorts and a thin, white tank was his only cover. 

"Hey Heero! Oh, hi, Duo! Great to see you! Sorry about the black screen, at first. In the early morning I don't usually answer the vid-screen.

"I can see why." I joked. Quatre blushed and put his arms around himself as if that would shield him from our eyes.

"Yeah, well…"

"Heero. Duo." A second body appeared on the screen and gave a respectful nod. Green eyed, brown haired… and not-really-dressed. Trowa. The taller boy had nothing on but a pair of plaid boxers, but didn't really seem to mind. He slid over behind Quatre, cocking his head to the side in anticipation. 

"G'morning." Heero smirked slightly, I think noting Trowa's attire. "Quatre, you mentioned last time that you wanted to get together soon and catch up. I thought I'd better call while I thought of it."

"Oh yeah!" Quatre's eyes shimmered as he fished out a day-planner from his drawer. "Does the twenty-third work for you two?"

"We have no lives." I joked, "I don't think we're ever busy."

"Great!" Quatre closed his planner and propped his head on his hands. "So what's new with you two?"

Trowa rolled his eyes and leaned forward to nuzzle lovingly in Quatre's neck. I barely heard Trowa's soft breath of "Come on. Hurry _up."_

"We're fine." Heero smirked, obviously hearing Trowa's complaint as well. "However, we have to go. See you soon."

"Absolutely!" Quatre smiled. Trowa nodded wordlessly, looking as if he would go insane if Quatre didn't end the conversation so they could pick-up wherever they had left off. I snickered softly, just imagining where _that could be. I silently wondered what would have happened if we had called a few minutes later._

The screen went black again and Heero stood up. "See? Your horrible dream was just from that hangover of yours. I don't suggest drinking that much again any time soon."

"Yeah… it's just…"

"It's just what?" Heero looked curious now. I scowled.

"Nothing."

Heero's eyes flashed as he stood up. "Duo, what is it?" I didn't answer him. "There was more to the dream." He stated. I nodded, even though it wasn't a question. I stumbled over to my bed and sat down on it again. I didn't even look up as Heero sat down next to me.

"The same pilot that killed Quatre killed you. Just like that- you were dead." I reached out and placed my index finger right in the middle of Heero's clear, blue eyes. "Right there, he shot you." Heero got a sad look in his eye and nodded. He took my hand away from his head and placed it on the mattress. I shuttered and felt another sob well up in my throat. "I-I watched it. It was awful. I mean, you're perfect, right? You _can't die. You __wouldn't die! You wouldn't leave me here… would you?" Heero looked like he was about to say something, but I continued on before he could. "And you were just lying there on the ground, and I was wailing. I mean, fuck, everyone I've ever known is basically dead. So, I lay down next to you, still crying, and I fell asleep. But before I do there are these butterflies. There were butterflies all over my dream, but usually they were the color of that one pilot's hair- all orange and dark. But these were blue. Then I woke up and your eyes looked like the butterflies and…" I stopped, realizing that I might have just given away my feelings. I swallowed and looked nervously over at Heero. He looked shocked. I winced and turned away, another tear streaming down my cheek. _

"Duo…" I felt a slight squeeze on my left-hand and I realized that Heero had never removed his hand from mine after he had set it down on the bed. I swallowed, refusing to open my eyes... I opened my eyes. 

Heero's lips were on mine -soft and smooth- not at all what I had expected from the Perfect Soldier. I gasped and kissed back, another tear spilling down my face. Heero withdrew briefly and wiped my tear away with his bottom lip.

"Duo," he sighed, smiling ever so slightly, "I'm not dead. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you here… and I don't have to be dead for you to lie here with me."

"W-what?" I stared at Heero, utterly confused at what was happening. Then, a thought hit me. "Awe man, _you kissed __me!"_

Heero chuckled softly and nodded. I grinned like a fool and kissed him again, more forcefully this time, more passionately. Heero and I did nothing but kiss for a long time…

Later on, Heero and I went to the store. We needed more groceries and we needed new sheets. We figured out that if we pushed our beds together they were the size of a king bed. Heero and I didn't cuddle in public of course, but he was still closer to me and he talked a lot more. This seemed just too good to be real. At one point during our shopping spree, I looked over to the produce section and gasped. Leaning against a post, next to a stack of apples, was a girl. She was wearing a skin-tight black jumpsuit, a studded black belt, and a black leather jacket. On her feet she wore a pair of black combat boots. Her hair was cut short and was light brown, and her skin was pale. Thick, black eyeliner rimmed her eyes splendidly. She looked over at me and, with a cute little grin, blew me a kiss. I smiled and nodded. Then, Heero called me over to have me pick out what kind of bread to get. I called back that I was coming and looked back to the apples. She was gone. "See you later, God of Death." I smiled, walking confidently over to the bread aisle. "But hopefully not _too soon."_

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, thinking that we're dead… that this is Death's last joke. That we're living one last dream before the lights go out. And then I think, so what's new? And I roll over. And, sooner or later, I go back to sleep."

_-Death: Time of Your Life_

_ _

**~ END ~**


End file.
